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Reductio Ad Absurdum

March 3, 2009

This girl gets it!

Vegetarians are stupid, and here are two reasons why.

First, eating meat is natural. Humans are omnivorous. All other omnivores eat meat; why shouldn’t we? Vegetarianism is unnatural for human beings, given their biological makeup

Let me point out that I’m no hypocrite—I’ve given up all unnatural behavior:

  1. I don’t use an alarm clock to manipulate my natural sleep cycle.
  2. I don’t brush my teeth in the morning. For that matter, I’ve never been to a dentist.
  3. When I perform my morning evacuation, I never use toilet paper. Have you ever seen toilet paper in the wild? I didn’t think so! (I would lick myself clean, which is a natural animal practice, but I can’t quite reach my anus with my tongue.)
  4. I cook my natural meaty breakfast over a campfire—no unnatural microwaves or electric stoves for me!
  5. I once drove to work, but I gave up driving once I realized that there’s nothing natural about automobile technology.
  6. I used to drink caffeinated sodas in the morning, but—you guessed it!—that’s unnatural too. I drink only water, but refuse to use those unnatural faucets or plastic bottles. Luckily there’s a creek by my house and a decent-sized drainage ditch where I work.
  7. Once I’m at work I can’t really use my computer, my telephone, or any other unnatural technology.
  8. At one point in time, I would go to the doctor when I got sick, but I gave up on it when I realized that none of the medicines she gave me were au naturel—they’re all created in a lab somewhere.
  9. My sister needed a kidney, and I was a match, but before the transplant happened I realized that transplants are unnatural. I miss her.
  10. I refuse to have my kids subjected to unnatural things like vaccines. We’ve lost 3 of 5 so far.
  11. We would kind of like to stop having kids, but birth control is unnatural too.

In sum: Don’t be an unnatural pervert! Eat meat!

Second, and this is going to sound ridiculously cruel, but I am an avid believer in Darwinism. Survival of the fittest: we can eat the animals, so we deserve to eat the animals. We also deserve to eat:

  1. babies
  2. old people
  3. disabled people
  4. women

If I get really hungry, I just might go for one or two of the kids in the neighborhood who are always blocking the road with their game of street hockey. I’m pretty sure I could take ’em.

In sum: Don’t ruin evolution! Go out and eat a wuss today!

********************************

Sorry for the rant; I got a little pissed.

The two arguments I’m satirizing here are very real—they were made in the comments for the video below. My favorite part from the video is this:

80% of the agricultural land in America is used to feed food. 80% of corn, 90% of soy, [and] 70% of wheat goes directly into the mouths of the things that will go into our mouths. And 50% of the water in America is used to water food that is fed to food.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. JTV permalink
    March 4, 2009 9:20 am

    Yes, but, God designed us to eat meat, and designed us to use computers and cars because he saw into the future that humans would use their natural, God-given abilities to create the industrial revolution and mass-produced automobiles with internal combustion engines–do you have the audacity to say that we cannot eat what God hath made and/or anticipated for us?

    And yes, Adam and Eve ate meat that came from animals who killed and cooked themselves peacefully before sin and violence entered the world.

  2. March 5, 2009 5:31 pm

    Well put. On a similar note, I have spoken with vegetarians that do not drink milk (cow’s milk), who justify their choice by reasoning that it is not “natural” for people to drink milk from another animal. I find this argument equally ridiculous.

    To clarify, my argument is not that it is wrong for someone to choose not to drink milk (I think there are many possibly good reasons behind this choice); rather, my point is that it is ridiculous to justify such a choice because of the fact it is “unnatural.”

  3. missivesfrommarx permalink*
    March 5, 2009 5:43 pm

    Right on, AL! I get what you mean—the problem is not the position they take but the altogether stupid justification for that position.

    JTV: Yes, I wanted to say something to that effect, but it is harder to do a reductio ad absurdum with that argument—especially since in that case what I think is absurd may be “God’s word” to someone else.

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