Reductio Ad Absurdum
Vegetarians are stupid, and here are two reasons why.
First, eating meat is natural. Humans are omnivorous. All other omnivores eat meat; why shouldn’t we? Vegetarianism is unnatural for human beings, given their biological makeup
Let me point out that I’m no hypocrite—I’ve given up all unnatural behavior:
- I don’t use an alarm clock to manipulate my natural sleep cycle.
- I don’t brush my teeth in the morning. For that matter, I’ve never been to a dentist.
- When I perform my morning evacuation, I never use toilet paper. Have you ever seen toilet paper in the wild? I didn’t think so! (I would lick myself clean, which is a natural animal practice, but I can’t quite reach my anus with my tongue.)
- I cook my natural meaty breakfast over a campfire—no unnatural microwaves or electric stoves for me!
- I once drove to work, but I gave up driving once I realized that there’s nothing natural about automobile technology.
- I used to drink caffeinated sodas in the morning, but—you guessed it!—that’s unnatural too. I drink only water, but refuse to use those unnatural faucets or plastic bottles. Luckily there’s a creek by my house and a decent-sized drainage ditch where I work.
- Once I’m at work I can’t really use my computer, my telephone, or any other unnatural technology.
- At one point in time, I would go to the doctor when I got sick, but I gave up on it when I realized that none of the medicines she gave me were au naturel—they’re all created in a lab somewhere.
- My sister needed a kidney, and I was a match, but before the transplant happened I realized that transplants are unnatural. I miss her.
- I refuse to have my kids subjected to unnatural things like vaccines. We’ve lost 3 of 5 so far.
- We would kind of like to stop having kids, but birth control is unnatural too.
In sum: Don’t be an unnatural pervert! Eat meat!
Second, and this is going to sound ridiculously cruel, but I am an avid believer in Darwinism. Survival of the fittest: we can eat the animals, so we deserve to eat the animals. We also deserve to eat:
- old people
- disabled people
If I get really hungry, I just might go for one or two of the kids in the neighborhood who are always blocking the road with their game of street hockey. I’m pretty sure I could take ’em.
In sum: Don’t ruin evolution! Go out and eat a wuss today!
Sorry for the rant; I got a little pissed.
The two arguments I’m satirizing here are very real—they were made in the comments for the video below. My favorite part from the video is this:
80% of the agricultural land in America is used to feed food. 80% of corn, 90% of soy, [and] 70% of wheat goes directly into the mouths of the things that will go into our mouths. And 50% of the water in America is used to water food that is fed to food.