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Anxiety Sucks

January 1, 2010

Holiday break is an interesting time for me. During the semester I have a fairly heavy teaching load, and I put 90% of my time into teaching. I barely have any time to read a book or do any other research, to keep up with the journal I edit, or to write. When the break comes, I work on these things at a frantic pace. I really enjoy reading: my idea of a perfect day off is a day devoted to nothing but reading an academic book. I love to write. I tend to have a lot of stuff pent up during the semester, and it flows out when I get to the break.

On the flip side, I get anxiety from the disruption in my schedule. Having a regular schedule sort of keeps some of my anxiety in check—when the semester comes to a screeching halt I’m thrown all out of whack.

In addition, even though I enjoy writing, I tend to get a lot of anxiety when I write. I apparently can take no solace in my (relatively) respectable list of publications (at least for a young scholar such as myself)—I look at what I’ve written today and think, “Damn, this is crap. Why would anyone want to read this?” Of course, the next moment I might be like: “This is brilliant! This is going to blow people over!” But the next minute it is back to: “Holy cow. I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I was awarded a Ph.D.”

Ach. Damn this anxiety.

In any case, happy new year!

Now back to work …

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 2, 2010 8:31 pm

    Good to know I’m not the only one that feels all these pent up anxieties about their work, however, I was hoping that it would go away once I finished my PhD and really got into teaching and writing…

  2. larry c wilson permalink
    January 2, 2010 10:14 pm

    Well, well…human after all.

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